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How helping others ended up being the key to helping myself
Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is combatting anxiety and depression with gratitude and contribution.
From personal experience, I know that when anxious thoughts are plaguing my mind, I’m very much focused on myself. When I am able to switch these thoughts to something outside of myself, I’m able to pull the focus away from the anxiety and channel it into helping someone else.
Having suffered from depression and anxiety in my life, I was worried that I might develop postnatal depression following the birth of my daughter. Because of this awareness, I was able to put steps in place to try and avoid falling into it. I can’t say for sure that I would have experienced postnatal depression if I hadn’t actively put things into place, but I didn’t get it so it’s possible.
While reading the local paper one morning I noticed a small ad for our local RSL (Returned Services League). It was something along the lines of asking for volunteers to assist RSL members living in nursing homes. Knowing that these people had served in WWII, I was immediately drawn to it and wanted to assist in any way I could. I was nervous about stepping outside my comfort zone but I called the number to find out what I could do. A dear man by the name of Harry answered and he gave me a little more information but said I would need to come in for an interview. I asked if I could bring my baby and he said yes of course, and that they loved children. I sat in Harry’s kitchen and he explained that the purpose of the volunteer role was to visit nursing homes in the area as often as possible but at least once a week.
The idea was to sit and listen to the residents or have a chat if that was their preference. Harry explained how the idea was primarily to visit RSL residents but said that they visit everyone who wants the company. After many questions to ensure my intent was good, Harry said that I could get started and would be visiting the aged care homes with another volunteer by the name of Tom. There was only one proviso, Tom said, ‘You must bring the bub, they will love her.’ So off we went to the first aged care home with Tom. Harry was right, my daughter Holly was the main drawcard, and the ladies especially were captivated by her––like bees to a honeypot! From that day on, Tom reminded me at the end of every visit to ‘bring the bub’ as he referred to her in his strong British accent.
I learnt so much that first day. My biggest lesson was the variations of giving and the closeness to how we love. It appears that how we give has a direct relation to how we love. Many personal development and relationship courses I have attended teach that we tend to love from one of the three following levels:
- The ego – all love is directed to oneself
- Transactional – I will give love to you for something in equal return
- Unconditional – I will give love unconditionally
We can also love on different levels within different types of relationships we have, but we have the power to learn and change what level we love from. The first step to change is awareness and being honest with yourself. Initially, when I was volunteering, I knew I was giving to get, so it was transactional love. While it appeared as if I was there for the right reasons, I was left with a sense of guilt that I was only visiting these people to help myself. When you give to get, you still come out feeling empty inside. From the next visit onwards I started visiting the residents with the sole intent of being there for them. My role was purely to bring Holly to them. I was not the person to help them but merely the vehicle, the facilitator if you like. Removing the focus from me and including others in the process was the key.
The residents would line up for their turn to hold and cuddle Holly, and I learnt from the staff and being in the residents’ rooms that many of the ladies had dolls that they would hold and cuddle, so Holly was a real-life version for them. One day the scuffle to hold her incited a fight with two of the ladies. The staff would tell us that if we didn’t visit then some of the residents would not get any visitors at all. This really hurt me deep inside and it’s definitely one of my pain points to know that people are lonely in their old age, forgotten and ignored.
Once Holly started walking at around 15 months the visits became more of a hindrance than a wanted experience by the residents and staff. By that time I had already commenced helping Tom and the other committee members with admin assistance so I expanded my role in that area by helping with fundraising events and remembrance days. I even spoke at a dawn service, which was a very moving experience for me. I felt I was giving thanks and praise to my grandparents and all humans who have made the ultimate sacrifice.
Since my time with the RSL, I have actively sought other opportunities to be able to contribute. One is just in daily activities such as seeing a person or animal in need and stepping in and offering help. Doing things anonymously is extremely gratifying and ensures you’re not doing it for an ego response. Giving food to the homeless while they sleep, paying forward someone’s food or coffee order, delivering flowers, food or gifts randomly, picking up trash, putting away discarded shopping trolleys, paying a gardener to maintain gardens – the list goes on. You may even see a mother running her child to school after they missed the bus, and offer to drive them both to the school. You actively look for these opportunities during your day and at the end of it you do not need to express it to anyone, you’re not looking for anyone to tell you well done, or good job. Your soul and the universe are aware of your daily good deeds and it’s all you need.
There are so many ways you can choose to contribute, but don’t think you have to be a martyr. Self-love and self-care are very important, and just simply being a source of good, positive energy on the planet is contributing.
I can’t remember where I heard this quote, but it’s a favourite of mine:
‘Contribution is not a way of feeding one’s soul, it’s a way of feeding many.’ – Unknown
What do you think you could contribute to someone else this week? Feel free to DM me on Instagram or Facebook, I’d love to hear about the good you’re putting out into the world, and in doing so, bringing to yourself.
If you’re interested in more content like this, I’ve written an entire book on my experience healing from trauma with the aid of flowers, and the lessons I’ve learnt along the way. You can purchase Feed Your Soul With Flowers here.
Feed Your Soul with Flowers
